A note to my boys …

One day I was Manda the next I was mammy … something I’d always wanted, to be a mammy, I wanted that rush of love after a nice natural birth. I imagined long cuddles on the sofa as I breastfed my baby, dressing my little bundle up in all the new clothes I’d washed and ironed and hung so carefully in the wardrobe.
What we got my little Noah was a bit different … you didn’t come into this world as I had planned for you, you had a hard time and so did I. Sat in a hospital bed for 3 days with the start of pre-eclampsia, horrendous heartburn and the start of induction, it was all wrong and not on my plan at all. Then came the birth …I tried with no drugs like I wanted for 12 hours but you had turned the wrong way and your little head was stuck in the wrong place, we had no chance and both of us were tired. They hurried me down to theatre with massive contractions from the drip every 10 second. I had a spinal block and then just like that there you were, but you didn’t cry, we had lost your brother before we got you and I prayed so hard laying there on that operating table that you would cry and take your first breath. In ran resus, but you didn’t need them, you did your cry and that’s all I can remember. I was poorly and needed the doctors to help me I waited for your cry that’s all that mattered. I woke up 3 hours later to you and your daddy I was having a blood transfusion to make me better and I couldn’t see you properly, again this defiantly wasn’t in the plan.
The next few days were hard we struggled to breastfeed as mammy’s milk didn’t come in like it was supposed to and you were 9lbs and hungry! I looked at your perfect face and was scared, scared I couldn’t be the mammy you deserved as everything had gone wrong so far.
Then you came home and it was just you and me you had reflux, it was hard and tiring but we did it and look at you now nearly 6 and the most gorgeous boy, everything I wished for, and our bond, oh my Noah we didn’t need that first rush of love, we didn’t need skin to skin we only needed each other and that’s what we got.
Then along came Toby …
Toby, our story is very different, I had planned your section and birth, I picked your birthday. It was very calm, and all went to plan. I got gowned up and walked to the theatre, got my spinal block, laid down and out came the most angry, purple baby I’ve ever seen the double of your brother, with the loudest cry. You made me and daddy laugh and then daddy got to hold you, he held you up to my face and there it was the rush of love. My last baby you will be my baby forever.
We got you home and sailed through the baby years, Noah helped from the start and you both fell in love. Your bond is unbreakable.
Here we are now, Noah your 6 years old next week and Toby your 4 years old in November, we are together every day and I love it, I love being your mammy. We have our moments when you use your big eyes to get away with anything, and when you fight … a fight a day keeps the doctor away, apparently (in your world), sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it’s crazy but everyday its perfect!
Before I go (and stop embarrassing you) I want to apologies for not always having the right breakfast in and for doing the school run some mornings with no makeup and my gym clothes on (when I’m definitely just going home to watch loose women with a cuppa), and I’m defiantly sorry for making you get yourselves ready EVERYDAY when you’re so tired and want to play.

At the end of the day …
‘I’m just a mammy standing in front of my boys asking them to be my best friends forever’
I love you,

Mammy x


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