Over the last few months and especially the last few weeks I have received so many lovely messages from people I don’t know and also from people I do know, the messages have ranged from I love your home and style, to personal message about my blogs and how I am as a person. These messages of support have really impacted me in ways I can’t explain but to try I thought I’d let you know a little more about me …
So here I go … *deep breaths* So I’m a 30-year-old wife and mother of two beautiful boys, you all know that by now. I am also mother to two more babies that never made It to this earth but their presents are still very much in my life. I count myself as a mother of four as I have carried four babies and I’ve given birth four times all in very different circumstances. I am a very spiritual person and strongly believe my babies are around me every day. To explain the pain of not having all of your babies with you on earth is too much to write down I can’t express the desperation of hearing the words I heard, the deep pain of walking into a hospital carrying your baby knowing you will walk out with no baby in your arms. I have my memories and that will never change.
Losing my babies, I count as the most painful thing I’ve been through in my life, I’m a strong person but that hit me like a tonne of bricks and made my world stand still.
Throughout my life I’ve had hard times, not all I want to share as some are just too painful from my childhood but some of them I want to share to help other people that may be going through the same thing.
I wanted to be 100% truthful and I won’t lie I’m finding this blog very hard to write. I’ve stopped and started, so I apologies if this blog is all over the place, its raw and its real.
When I was 18 I got into a very destructive relationship and experienced domestic violence. Now from the outset I am going to say I was no angel and was going through a hard time in my own life but this is my experience and falling into this type of relationship was all connected. So, began a very difficult time of my life. I don’t want to go into details mainly as my boys might read this one day and I want to protect them, but also because this part of my life doesn’t deserve the time for me to go into details about it. I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused for three years it got to a very bad place. It terrifies me to think what might have happened if I didn’t move on from that place when I did. I don’t want to focus on the physical abuse, but I will say to anyone going through this … you are not being strong to stay in a relationship like this, to walk away is being strong! It will be hard, so hard. You will be on your knees, you probably won’t even know who you are, but believe me you can walk away … I did, I’m not going to sell you a fairy tale, I didn’t walk away and never look back. I was broken and I mean broken, I was someone I didn’t recognise. I’d lost friends, hurt family and I’d lost myself. But I had the inner strength to know this was wrong and that I needed to get out. It was brutal but I rebuilt myself and allowed me to be myself again. What I’ve realised out of all of this is that you really get to know who you are when you have had nothing and you build your whole life back up again.
The emotional abuse is what I find hard to let go of, being told how worthless you are, how fat, how thick you are over and over it gets into your brain and to reset that is the hardest thing. I still struggle with self-worth and self-esteem, which is where your lovely messages come in, to hear such supportive things when I always doubt myself means the world to me. Starting to blog was a massive step for me in my life, I struggle with believing in myself and what I do and failure petrifies me. I over think a lot and so putting myself out to the world makes my anxiety go overboard but I decided it was my time to be brave.
It’s been 10 years now and I still deal with my issues every day, but it also gets easier every day. What it boils down to is that I was mixed up for someone that would fall apart and not be able to go on, but that was just the start of my story it made me who I am and I am bloody proud of myself and the life I have built.
At this point before I move on I want to add in some help for anyone who needs a way out, I received counselling from a charity called my sisters place, they are an amazing charity that can help women who are in extreme domestic abuse find safety. Also, women’s aid is another amazing charity keeping women safe. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
There is a quote that I love and want to put into this blog i think it sums up how I feel about that part of my life … ‘you didn’t break her, darling. you don’t own that kind of power’
I am now married to the most amazing man that has really helped me more than he will know, and I have two boys. They have all restored my faith in men and have helped me trust again, for that my boys I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I have worked in a dental practice for 11 years now but really wanted to do something for me which lead me to blogging. My love for interior and my creativeness have lead me to find something I love to do and I hope will take me further.
Being a mammy is the best job in the world I love every day with my boys and truly believe I became complete when I became a mummy. I am now happy and content, I have everything I ever wanted and more, at some point in my life I got very lucky.
So that’s a little bit about me and my background, I want to thanks everyone who has supported me over the last few months. It was hard to be vulnerable and put myself out to be judged but I hope I can help others in the same situation.
Here’s to my happy beginning …