Sitting in our bedroom me and Phil had just decided we would start trying for another baby, I felt a mix of excitement and terror. It was two years down the line from having Noah and life was good. I was feeling better with my mental health and our little family was happy … I knew I wanted another baby but after what I went through having Noah I was so scared to go through that again. Growing up so close to my sister I knew I wanted my children to have a brother or sister, someone who was always there, a best friend forever. I knew our family wasn’t complete we had a missing piece and unbeknown to us as we sat and decided to start trying, he was already there, I was already pregnant. A few weeks later we saw the words on the stick again, Pregnant! My heart skipped a beat, who was this little person growing inside me. I ran to tell Phil and then Noah who both jumped around in excitement and love. It was a very happy day.
Then the doubt crept in, I had come off my anti-depressants, I was feeling myself again and I was so scared I would lose control again. The birth of Noah was brutal but I wasn’t worried about that, pain doesn’t last forever I’ve learnt that and I knew I could cope with that, it was the aftermath I was worried about. The emotional pain I felt, the loneliness, the guilt. But I pushed it to the back of my mind, the pregnancy flew by running after a two year old helped to pass the time. I didn’t have much sickness this time or pain from the SPD, I sailed through it. Then came the twenty week scan, excitement ran through us as we waited to find out if our tiny, growing, human was a he or a she. I was desperate for another boy, I wanted Noah to have a brother. (Don’t get me wrong I would have been over the moon with a girl) Then she said it, the words that made me cry with happiness … it’s definitely a boy! We skipped out of the hospital to tell Noah the good news.
After my last pregnancy and birth, I was classed as high risk and had to have more scans and appointments throughout the pregnancy. I had a meeting with the consultant to discuss the birth plan, I knew I wanted a section, I thought I was going to have to fight for one but one look at the notes and he agreed. And so, I picked the date my baby was going to come into our world. The days flew and before I knew it I was packing our bags to go into hospital.
Laying on the operating table was very different to how I remembered, I was fully with it, no drugs except the spinal block, no rushing, no drama. Out came an angry, purple baby with the loudest cry. My heart filled with so much love for him, they handed him to Phil and he held him to my face. His smell and his little face are all I remember, his little eyes trying to focus. I was completely in love with the boy with the rosebud lips.
Everything just felt easier, we got a few hours on the ward before visitors, Phil was with me I had help it was so much better than my first experience. But I had a massive guilt inside me for Noah, he wasn’t there and I wanted him with me so much, and for our start together this is how I wanted it for him. Before long in he ran with his teddy for his new brother and wonder in his big eyes. And just like that their eyes met, I saw it and best friend they became.
Back home our bond just grew, mine and my little Toby’s, I worried while pregnant that I could love another like I love Noah, but my heart grew when I saw his face and he filled the rest. I had my down days like any new mum does, struggled with sleepless nights, and having two boys to contend with every day, but I didn’t get that desperate feeling this time, I didn’t get post-natal depression.
Toby Oscar is the image of his daddy, with my eyes. He’s got the biggest character, he makes me laugh daily and always knows how to cheer everyone up. He’s fiercely independent and very different to his brother. My boys teach me every day how to be a mammy. For the last year Toby has picked me a flower every morning from the garden, I am not exaggerating when I say every morning, not one day has been missed. That sums him up, our missing piece of beautiful, perfectness, our Toby.
So, he was there before we even knew and he crashed into our family and completed us. We know our family is complete. I have four children two with me and two with me in my heart, one amazing husband and my heart is pretty full! I know my journey with becoming a mother is complete but my journey with motherhood is only just beginning.
To the last boy to call me Mummy … my funny little Tobes, I love you more than I can say xxx