‘It’s not that bad’ … the words I heard over and over again, when you’re in a toxic relationship the controller will use words like this … I’ve often asked myself, is it to control? Is it to take away the power from you? Is it to make themselves feel better for what they are doing to you? The truth is I still don’t know the answer, maybe its all three reasons, maybe I will never understand. Damaged themselves they often project their own pain on to others but will not take responsibility for their actions.
I wanted to write this blog to reach out and say to people who are in toxic relationships or are experiencing domestic violence ‘it is that bad’ if someone Is deliberately hurting you, its bad! They don’t have to punch you in the face for it to be real … bites, nips, kicks, holding you down, pressure to the face, stopping you breathing, pushing, grabbing, using objects to hurt you, using chemicals to hurt you the list goes on, its all ‘bad’ and its all wrong. I lived for years thinking I was somehow wrong about what had happened to me, even after the relationship ended. I believed it wasn’t as bad as I thought as that’s what I was being told by the person who did it to me. I didn’t tell anyone it was going on, I was embarrassed … it would have been different if others knew, I would have had a life line, but I didn’t and even when I started telling people I still played it down.
Then I went to see a Councillor, after telling her bits about my past I ended with ‘I know its not that bad’ … the look on her face still stays with me, it flawed me, it is that bad she said, what you have experienced at such a young age is really damaging … those words set a little bit of me free, she believed my pain and I was finally able to believe it too, I went on to open up about it all and as I heard my own voice tell someone out loud what had happened it dawned on me just how bad it was. I unfortunately don’t feel comfortable sharing the whole details of my past with the world, as one day my sons might read my blogs … although I’m not ashamed of my past, I feel it’s unnecessary for them to read that.
so, to anyone who’s been told ‘its not that bad’ I am telling you it is, you do not deserve to be treated that way, you are being abused. Age, race, class, gender … domestic violence escapes no one. I was that girl once that said I would never be treated like that, I would look down on people in that situation and ask why they didn’t just leave … its just not that easy, you don’t meet someone and they treat you badly, it creeps in when you love them and want to help them, they break you down without you even knowing, they keep you there by making you doubt your worth with words like ‘its not that bad’. Until you are in that situation please don’t make mindless comments, if only it was that easy.
If you are suffering at the hands of someone else its toxic, the excuses come after the pain … its not my fault, I’m depressed, it’s my past, you made me do it … ‘you made me do it’ the pain I feel in those worlds I can’t explain, I was told over again it was me, my fault … I made him paranoid, I would wind him up, I thought I was better than him … I know now, after so many years, it’s not my fault and it was never my problem. They want to believe what they say and that’s why they have to blame you. You cannot be blamed for another’s actions, to hurt another human is wrong … no excuses.
That day my Councillor gave me hope and peace within myself, I want to spread that and to anyone feeling the same … never let anyone tell you its not that bad, whether you’re a teenager, a business owner, a parent, or anyone in between if someone purposely hurts you its toxic and its wrong. You have the strength to leave, help is all around you if you seek it, the counseling i received was from My sisters place and it changed my life.
I believe in you, I believe you, please believe in yourself… your right.
Thanks for reading